LET ME BEGIN with a general (but sincere) apology for not sending out thank-you notes yet to acknowledge your incredible generosity throughout the holiday season. Below please find a detailed list of excuses for the time lapse, along with a multi-step, absurdly elaborated enumeration of thought processes of fantastical concoctions of the imagination. #TooManyPrepositionsAlready #ForYourEntertainmentOnly

PART I: Detailed Excuses

1) So I went to the store to buy new thank-you notes because the ones I had weren’t artistically sufficient, but

2) I was running late as it was and then

3) my Train of Thought took me to other places and I missed the actual exit and

4) then there weren’t any parking spaces available and I couldn’t believe my eyes when

5) I saw a Bear–a REAL BEAR–but it was only as real as the VR videogame portrayed it to be (they say HD is clearer than real life, right?) and anyway, the bear appeared out of nowhere when I started playing on my phone while I was waiting for the guy to leave his parking spot and

6) then somebody honked at me and I got all flustered and stressed out and ate a chocolate bar and remembered that I needed milk at the grocery store so I pulled away but

7) then the gas light came on and I went to the station but it only took cash and so I went to the ATM and took out a few bucks but

8) by that time it had gotten dark and I decided that it was time to get going but then out of nowhere

9) I got caught in some quantum weirdness of a wormhole–a temporary condition?–and

10) a Grammarian Cop stopped me for writing this insanely long run-on sentence and then I finally made it home but

11) for the fourteenth time since the day before yesterday, I forgot to buy thank-you notes.

PART II: Absurdly Elaborated Thought Processes

(Several weeks later, after finally purchasing a set of cards to express my deepest gratitude.)

Step 1: I sit at my desk, pen in hand, and start, quite simply, with a handwritten note. Genuine, meaningful, and from the heart:

                           Mon Cher Ami (My Dear Friend)… 

Step 2: And then think– No! I need a better idea, a fun idea, something that the students will appreciate. Yes, that’s it! A 3D (4D?) pop-up Scrabble board type thank-you note that spells out “Thank you!” in 14 different languages!

Step 3: … that is covered in glitter and Dr. Seuss zig-zag staircases…

Step 4: … and is attached to a balloon that inflates by an automated voice command control when said family receives the package in their mailbox…

Step 5: … but that has a dart included to throw so that it doesn’t float away…

Step 6: with all the safety precautions in place, of course.

Step 7: And maybe a drone could live-stream their reaction!

Step 8: And we could have a contest in real time of who throws the dart the fastest to pierce the balloon that was inflated by an automated voice command control to lower the package containing a card covered in glitter and Dr. Seuss zig-zag staircases that pops up into a 3D (4D?) Scrabble board that spells out “Thank you!” in 14 different languages.

Step 9: Hmmm, I wonder if I have the necessary coding skills to program an automated voice command. [Inner voice: Absolutely not.]

Step 10: BRRRRRING!!!!! The alarm clock sounds. It is 5am. Again. 

(Loud, automated voice over the intercom system): “Attention, all Gift Givers and Genuinely Thoughtful People. There will be a significant delay in the arrival of your personalized thank-you notes. They most certainly will not arrive on time. There is a slight chance that they may not arrive at all. With a swirl of hope and pixie dust, however, they may possibly arrive in the coming decade, in the time zone of Soon-ish. Again, we are not making any promises. Have a lovely evening.”

All kidding aside, your thoughtful gifts and kind words brought me much light and love, and for that I am inexpressibly grateful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Virtual Hugs to All,

-Srta. M.